The Daddy Stitch: Is It Really a Myth? OR The Truth About Vaginal Delivery

During my six-week checkup following the birth of my second child, many thoughts ran through my head. I was feeling relatively good versus how I felt after my first delivery (an unplanned c-section,) and pretty proud of having accomplished a successful VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.) These pleasant thoughts were abruptly replaced with the feeling of "OUCH!"

Photo Credit: Keturah Stickann John Menier

Obviously, I believe in VBAC, but for now I am not going to use this forum as my soapbox to tell you why you should try to avoid a cesarean.  I leave this to other learned sources such as The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and The International Cesarean Awareness Network.  I also believe in giving women a fair and balanced account with a bit of my own brand of naughty chair vernacular.  As I have mentioned before, there's not enough frank and honest dialogue at playgroup, although there's lots of talk about diaper absorbency.

So to my sisters out there considering a VBAC, or even you first-time moms about to deliver, let me tell you what happens to your precious vajay jay.   Sure the recovery is easier but I think a lot of VBAC enthusiasts aren't upfront about what the actual recovery is like.  To hear them tell it, you will be dancing in a field of flowers doing somersaults and cartwheels while cradling your angelic newborn with a cone-shaped head.  The truth is recovery from any birth is not easy.  A VBAC may be easier, but the emphasis is on the "-er" not the "easy".



He didn't even buy me dinner....

So back to my check-up - I'm fairly convinced I am the unwitting recipient of a Daddy Stitch. What's a Daddy Stitch?  There's a conspiracy theory that when the doctor is stitching up a woman's vaginal tears after birth he sews in an extra stitch for the sake of the father. To umm, tighten things up so to speak.  I am not so sure it's a myth anymore! 

I have a great obstetrician.  He's open-minded, calm, and he gave me the VBAC I wanted.  He volunteers to deliver babies and perform surgery in third-world countries.  He's a pretty cool guy.  But sheesh, it's very apparent he doesn't own a vagina.  I mean I would think it's common courtesy before sticking any foreign metal objects into an orifice that is not your own you would give a person some warning.  Let alone a finger in your asshole!  You're a vagina doctor, not a proctologist!  Our relationship doesn't go that far dude.  I don't even let my husband back there.  It's in our vows.

So speaking of assholes...

So there's all this focus on the big V during birth, but what nobody tells you is how much abuse your butt will take.  You will likely feel like you pushed the baby out of your anus, not your vagina (although your vagina won't feel so hot for a little while either.)  You will be severely constipated and scared shitless (pun intended) to take a dump for fear you will tear yourself a new asshole (again, pun intended.)

Never in my life had I been filled with such dread over making a doodie.  When the dirty deed was finally done and I thankfully survived, the time came for wiping.  Yes, I am about to tell you about wiping. Now during the last trimester, it was hard enough to get back there to begin with.  I expected to finally get some kind of relief in the butt-wiping department.  Little did I know that I would soon discover my anus was not where I left it! Thanks to a swollen perineum (aka "the taint") my anus had actually traveled to my back! My butthole was now on my back!  The swelling was so egregious that it had altered my anatomy and turned me into a freaking baboon!

Photo Credit: Ted Abbott

Ladies, it is in this moment you will realize the true value of all those lovely items you registered for. The matching washcloths, a polka dot valance, organic cotton receiving blankets... all that stuff is really for shit.  What you should have registered for was a Costco-size tub of Tucks Medicated Pads, a Sitz Bath, and a Donut Pillow.

Epilogue

Today, I am the mother of two gloriously healthy kids. One born via c-section and one born the old-fashioned way.  Despite my brief turn as a baboon, I still would definitely have to place my vote for the old-fashioned way if I had to do it again.  The fact I can look back on it with some degree of humor is a testament in and of itself. But really there's no immediate danger of birthing again. The Daddy Stitch is serving as great birth control for the time being.  And don't get me started on tampons...