Santa Claus is a Stalker, Trespasser, Vigilante and Might Also be a Pedophile

Photo Credit: Kevin Dooley

I decided to teach my two-year old son about Christmas by watching the movie Elf with him.  Granted, there are probably better movies to demonstrate the Christmas spirit such as It's a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story, but honestly I find them boring. Besides, I like Will Ferrell.  There are also probably better ways to teach your child about Christmas other than watching television, but my Christmas repertoire is limited.  I grew up in a household where we did not celebrate Christmas and my husband comes from a broken home in the inner city.  I have no holiday traditions and he was happy to have heat.  Needless to say, we don't have much experience to pull from.  Hence we are building our own traditions! We pick out what we like. We toss out what we don't.  There's no "that's how we did it growing up" to bog us down.  Therefore, Elf it is!

* Elf Spoiler alert * So at the end of the movie Zooey Deschanel gets up and starts singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in order to spread Christmas Cheer and save Santa Claus' sleigh.  The boy-child loves it. So we've started singing that song together. A lot. Like all the time. He's obsessed.  Of course I sing along with him.  With all this repetitive singing going on I began to actually really listen to the lyrics. I gotta tell you.  Santa is kind of a creepy motherfucker.  At least by 21st century standards.  Let's dissect these lyrics shall we?

Photo Credit: Bertrand Bosredon

Oh you better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

So essentially, the first line of the song is a warning. That should tell you something right there.  But then the song goes on to advise your children to not cry or pout.  Um hellooo?? Apparently Santa Claus has not gotten the latest parenting memo. Has he not been informed that advising your children to suppress their feelings can impair a child's trust in a caregiver and cause distance in the relationship? Famed pediatrician,  Dr. William Sears advises: 

"Don't try to get a child to stuff her feelings. When a child is upset, sit back, look into her eyes, and give her time and pace to express herself."

Santa, you're a Feeling-Stuffer.

He's making a list

Checking it twice

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

Once again, Santa is soooo pulling from the mid-20th century on this one.  We do not label children as "good" or "bad" and certainly not as "naughty" or "nice."  All children are inherently good.  Even children named "Damien."  We do not label the children, but we label their behavior as good or bad.  Geez, what a self-esteem buster this list business is!

Photo Credit: swissrolli

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake!

AHA! And there's the creepiest part of it all!  He watches your kids while they sleep?  He knows what they are doing at all times?  Think about it.  It's pretty damn disturbing. Santa is a Peeping Tom.

We've essentially established in song that Santa Claus is a stalker and potential pedophile.  Also, he's a bit of a vigilante. I mean, who made him sheriff and arbiter of all that's naughty and nice?  Why do I need to "watch out" for him? Who made him judge, jury and executioner?  

I began to think more about how Santa is represented in popular culture other than just musically.  The man is not just overweight, he's morbidly obese. Now I am now prima ballerina myself, but I'm not going around to people's homes all over the world and eating cookies.  From Pfefferkuchen in Germany to Almond Cookies in China - the man goes from house to house eating nothing but cookies.  Obviously, Type II diabetes is not a concern for this man. Nor is setting a healthy example for our children.  I'll bet Santa wasn't breastfed.

With all that weight on his frame, plus gifts for ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD that sleigh must be pretty heavy. But Santa has no concern for the poor reindeer pulling his sleigh.  Oh no, in fact he even weighs the sleigh down further by hauling coal for all those naughty kids.  Santa abuses animals and has no consideration for what mining does to the environment.  Someone call PETA and Greenpeace on this asshole!

Photo Credit: Kevin Dooley

I also thought we need to immediately contact our legislators and demand that we cease all trade with the North Pole until they enact fair labor laws.  I don't even think Southeast Asian factory workers suffer the injustices that are reaped upon those elves.  All because they are short.  Santa, I think I hate you.

Finally, let's not forget that this man invades homes at midnight on December 25th.  I'm sorry, but if I found some man in my living room trying to stuff my stocking in the middle of the night, I would have to get all Samuel Jackson on his ass.

So this Christmas, I think my husband and I need to think twice about introducing our children to Jolly Old St. Nicholas.  Maybe we create a new character for the season?  What would you guys think about "JoJo the Happy Barista" who teaches kids about recycling and gives them free Hazelnut Steamers over the holidays?  I think it might just catch on...

Photo Credit: Kris Krug